Saturday, December 13, 2008

Algebra is going to kill me

My final is on Tuesday afternoon, after my Christmas party at Old Spaghetti Company. I am making one last desperate whine to finish my coursework before then. I have given up on true comprehension and Am trying to hit the high points. I will take the quiz, chapter test and the review tomorrow, then write out my one page of notes on Monday night.
I am so ambivalent about he who shall not be named coming for Christmas. I am no longer angry, no longer desperate, no longer worried about what I will loose(baby, home, diamond ring). I am just a little sad that it seems to be time to face the truth. And I kinda get that it was never going to work out well even if he didn't go away, or we would have had kids, or whatever, because he doesn't like who I am and I don't like who he is. That stuff he said the other night really is true. I have changed...well, I am just more me and he doesn't like me, but I do. So I don't think he should come here for christmas. There is no Christmas here anyway...I am probably agnostic, but I am not Christian (shhh, don't tell anyone). 
I went out for a venti whole milk extra hot misto...yum. I drove around looking at Christmas lights in Willo and Roosevelt. So pretty. He should have bought me a house in Roosevelt like I wanted...nah, I'll just go build my own

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

am I crazy? I think not....

My Grandma called to tell me my great-grandma is not doing well. Her heart is giving out and she has hospice come 3 times a week to bathe her. I honestly was shocked to hear she's not well. But she is 96, and I know that 96 is old, but it is not as old as I used to think. Her name is Dottie and her husband, my great-grandpa used to call her poky-dot, because he was always waiting on her (slow poke & polka-dot, get it??)
My estranged step-dad called out of the to be engaged to some woman named Danni, which sounded plausible until he mentioned that she trains Olympic figure-skaters and fencers...right. But He says he is free-lance employed and he is healthy and happy so what do I care? Though I feel he is making up imaginary friends so that he has something to talk about or some pretense to call, which is even sadder than just being real about being alone. In my mind, he will always be a suicidally depressed loner addict, no matter what he is in reality, or what he says he is.
He who shall not be named started in about how I what did he call me...? Well I have forgotten, but it was along the lines of stupid-crazy-psycho. The evidence that led him to this conclusion? Exhibit A.....
Saying I wanted to move to Vermont, because I have never been to Vermont and he talked to my Mom who said that I had told her that I wanted to live in Vermont to be near her...Okay, all true. I have never been to Vermont, but there are farms and skiing and I like snow and Burlington is supposed to be a rocking little city, artsy and coffee-shop-book-store-see-a-play kind of place. Close to Mom, but not too close...and would it not be awesome to live somewhere with clean water and air and such?
B...I dyed my hair with Henna...well, I am going grey, Chemical color had fried my hair and it always faded very quickly due to the fact that 1. it is red color(the hardest to hold) 2.I wash my hair everyday in hot water due to the germies I am exposed to in my job 3. I use dandruff shampoo because if I don't, I get dermatitis so bad my scalp bleeds
So henna does not fry my hair, and I can wash it often, with hot water with dandruff shampoo and it doesn't fade. but somehow this makes me a freak? Okay, so it is a bit less than natural looking (read BRIGHT ORANGE) in the direct sun, but I am kind of stuck with it because you can really see my regrowth and you can't lighten it, only darken it...and I definitely don't want to go deeper red. Sure it would be great to go back to my natural color, less upkeep, etc, but not really an option without going through the pain of two tone hair(which I am not mentally strong enough for right now)
C. I am crazy or whatever he called me because I switched to solid shampoo bars that are handmade in Ohio that I bought off the Internet. Proof of my mental defect also lies in the fact that I so liked the natural ingredients that I sent some bars to he who shall not bee named and my mother so they too could be natural and not fill the world with plastic. As a plus, I rarely have to use dandruff shampoo as I no longer break out now that I am off commercial shampoo. But I am a freak for caring about what goes onto my body? I am aware and educated that there is risk in slathering the skin with chemicals, and so I have chosen to make choices. That is weird?
BTW, he says that my mom also thinks I have "gone overboard, have too much time on my hands and..." so mom threw me under the bus?
D. I care about and talk about reducing the plastic I consume, both for the earth, the sea and my health. Okay people, the plastic island in the Pacific Ocean that is maiming, killing, entangling, deforming starving marine life from the whales, to the oh so cute sea lions and seals to the ocean birds and even the freaking plankton...this is not my is real whether you choose to acknowledge it or not. So stick your head in the sand or TV or what ever, but it is a problem even if you choose to pretend it doesn't exist.
Other things that don't cease to be real or a problem, even if you don't pay attention:
Cruel conditions on factory farms, especially pigs and chickens. Milk and eggs represent a whole lot of suffering. And yes, it is uncomfortable to think about it, but I am aware and I shared my awareness with you, and you called me names because I feel bad that a pig is kept standing in her own fecal matter, unable to ever turn around. She can't ever roll on her back, ever. How can you not feel this is wrong? how can you support this food production by buying and eating this tortured meat? So I say I want to find free range pork, or be a vegetarian or I will only buy cage free eggs and I am weird? You are weird if you can know that food animals are suffering their whole lives and you don't care.
So I am an advocate of the small house movement and that's off the deep end? I talk about a simple life with fewer unnecessary possessions and that makes me odd? No. And for the record, I have always favored small houses...small, but luxurious. A 950sq ft house with extensive built-ins, hardwood floors, a claw foot tub, premium fixtures, hand blown pendent lights, stained glass windows that is orderly and full of beautiful handmade chosen possessions (Vs. shit that we're just tooo lazy to deal with), that is crazy? Why pay for space that you only use to store shit your too lazy or indecisive to part with. Why pay taxes on, pay to heat and cool, pay to paint, roof and upkeep square footage you don't need? and when you live in a smaller house, it is better for the environment..a bonus. Save 200,000 on a smaller house, and eliminate the need to be a slave to your job. Save money on a smaller house and afford to live a little, take a few vacations.
E. I bought a cat stroller...okay, so yes that is weird, but the cats do not have a safe, contained place to go out and I wanted to provide them with some outside time while protecting them from getting lost or injured.
F. I also got criticized for not keeping up with the yard and for spending too much time on the net. OH, and for not being on top of my algebra.
So I said "I am just trying to live my life in accordance with my morals and beliefs" There were some other things said, basically how I have changed and then he hung up on me.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

but my heart really knows....

I spent the day in a dental hygiene seminar...bottom line, what I do for you doesn't just make your teeth shiny, it could save your life. Periodontal bacteria are damaging to every organ and cell in your body. So, make an appointment for a cleaning and hug your hygienist.
I got home and took the mail out of the mailbox. I got a Christmas card! Why are all my Christmas cards addressed to "mrs. lovely person or current resident" CURRENT RESIDENT?? And it was from my Grandma....
I am at a cross road. I want to live my own life. I want a divorce, but if I don't tell he who shall not be named, he won't ever know. I never follow thru. I always change my mind. For 18 years, I always change my mind. I dream of throwing away everything I own and starting a new beautiful life of my own, all my own. I don't want a child with him. He is snotty and rude to me, would he not be that way with our child? Uh, yeah.
Listening to Jason Mraz, Love Jason Mraz. mmmmmm
Must do some algebra. Not just some, must do all the algebra.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

He said "I don't want to be in your blog". Can you really say whether or not you want to be in someone's blog? Isn't that like saying"I don't want to be in your mind". He doesn't have control over my mind or my blog.
I should be studying algebra, but I am coming off a three day migraine and I just feel as if it is a lost cause as I am so far behind. Whose idea was this degree completion anyway? Oh..he who shall not be named. I received my associate's degree in '93 and started in on this degree completion in, I don't know' 1997? Anyway, I got serious (as serious as one class at a time can get) in 2004 and I have worked my way up to *drum roll* COLLEGE ALGEBRA. And now, well I have less than 2 weeks left and I am hitting the snooze. I just really want a C and to be done with it. I have had so many challenges to overcome with this class: 1) it is 100% online except for two proctored teacher, no lectures, you figure it out or find a tutor(oh, if classroom intimidation and humiliation doesn't suck enough, try it one-on-one) 2) Hemorrhoid surgery during week two of class (and if you don't know, well, let just say it's hard to factor polynomials while on percocet) 3) a ten day trip to see he who shall not be named during which I did no homework 4) a series of debilitating migraines 
I wonder how many points I need to get a C. I bet I need Algebra to figure it out....